Our role helping elderly people move has put us smack dab in the middle of a LOT of family dynamics. And let me tell you: we have seen it all. We have seen families where it all works perfectly (or at least seems to in our opinion), we have seen families who stop speaking to one another during the course of taking care of their parents, and we have seen everything in between.
I can offer a few general thoughts on some themes we have seen repeated. It’s possible you will see some similarities to your own family. If so, maybe you’ll find some comfort in the recognition that there are other families like yours.
First off, geography is often important when framing a discussion like this. For many of our clients, there is an adult child (or a niece, nephew, or cousin) who lives in New York City or nearby. Often there is one child here and the other children live elsewhere.
Most likely, the child who lives nearby spends more time with their parents. This doesn’t mean they love them more or are better people. It just means that it’s a lot easier for them to visit than for family members who don’t live nearby. As a result, they know more about what’s actually happening on a day to day basis. For example, they know the staff in their parents’ building, they know how to arrange for small repairs, they know how to properly dispose of things. Around the neighborhood, they likely assist with chores. They know where to pick up their parents’ prescriptions, they even know which dry cleaner they prefer.
This can be a great relationship and I really wish that every elderly person had someone nearby who could pop in like this. This relative is also, generally, our main contact when we are helping clients downsize and move. But if there are other children who do not live nearby or if there are other children who do live nearby but don’t make so much effort, this relationship can cause friction in the family.
The children who are not local may feel left out, they may feel that they aren’t as important as their sibling. This may very well play into dynamics that have existed their whole lives. It may be that one child has always spent more time with their parents and now also lives near them. This is not uncommon.
Another dynamic we see with the local child is that they sometimes may be resentful for all the time they have put into their relationship with their parents. They may wish their siblings had a more active role in the day-to-day activities.
A major exacerbating issue sometimes occurs when the out-of-town sibling visits. They quickly make a list of all the tasks that have not been done and offer tons of suggestions about better systems. Meanwhile, they are forgetting that the local sibling is doing daily chores and has to prioritize tasks. Also, the out-of-towner arrives with the intention of dedicating full days to their parents. Meanwhile, the local one has a full life to deal with in addition to helping their parents. The criticism from the out-of-towner may leave the local sibling feeling offended and unappreciated. This anger, in turn, prevents the local sibling from recognizing that the out-of-towner offers a fresh set of eyes and can provide some good suggestions.
I think the key here is to try to identify this resentment early on and find a way to stop it from building. There are a lot of ways a non-local sibling can be involved and help out. I have seen families where a sibling who isn’t local, for example, manages the finances. This is easy to do from afar. If the parent gives this sibling power of attorney over finances and bills, they can manage it all online. They can help with insurance issues and can take on the critical role of making sure the parent is not scammed.
The child who is not local can also plan strategic visits home to address very specific issues. For example, they can arrange a few days to tour residences with their parent, or they can arrange to come for important doctor appointments. With some advanced planning, the remote sibling can tackle home chores. A good friend of ours recently planned a visit to his mother’s house and completed a whole list of household chores, including hanging new curtains. By communicating each other’s role clearly, this resentment is less likely to develop.
Another dynamic is that sometimes one sibling just does not get involved. In some cases, they just need to be told what to do. This used to baffle me because it seems so obvious when an older adult needs help, but some siblings need to be given directions from their siblings. The siblings who are more involved can make lists and ask that very specific tasks be completed. Occasionally, there will be a sibling who simply doesn’t want to do the work. That’s harder to deal with as it may relate to long-held resentments. But often people are, frankly, a bit clueless and just need the directions.
For example, I remember one family where a local sibling didn’t seem to know what to do, so his sister, from afar, gave him a schedule. She said: “Stop by mom’s house once a week on your way home from work. Before you get in the car, call and ask if she needs anything from the grocery store.” At first the sister was annoyed that she had to make this specific request, but after it became a routine, she loved it because she felt comfort knowing that her brother was keeping tabs on their mother.
The families that seem to work best are the ones who are not afraid to have honest conversations with one another. Taking care of your parents can be complicated and frustrating, and there aren’t good guidebooks out there. There’s no What to Expect When Your Mother Is 80.
If you are lucky enough to have siblings, you may want to take this opportunity to try to communicate with one another and form a team. You might find that just being honest and telling your siblings how you feel about your aging parents can open up lines of communication.
