Sibling dynamics

Our role helping elderly people move has put us smack dab in the middle of a LOT of family dynamics. And let me tell you: we have seen it all. We have seen families where it all works perfectly (or at least seems to in our opinion), we have seen families who stop speaking to one another during the course of taking care of their parents, and we have seen everything in between. 

I can offer a few general thoughts on some themes we have seen repeated. It’s possible you will see some similarities to your own family. If so, maybe you’ll find some comfort in the recognition that there are other families like yours.

First off, geography is often important when framing a discussion like this. For many of our clients, there is an adult child (or a niece, nephew, or cousin) who lives in New York City or nearby. Often there is one child here and the other children live elsewhere.  

Most likely, the child who lives nearby spends more time with their parents. This doesn’t mean they love them more or are better people. It just means that it’s a lot easier for them to visit than for family members who don’t live nearby. As a result, they know more about what’s actually happening on a day to day basis. For example, they know the staff in their parents’ building, they know how to arrange for small repairs,  they know how to properly dispose of things. Around the neighborhood, they likely assist with chores. They know where to pick up their parents’ prescriptions, they even know which dry cleaner they prefer.

This can be a great relationship and I really wish that every elderly person had someone nearby who could pop in like this. This relative is also, generally, our main contact when we are helping clients downsize and move. But if there are other children who do not live nearby or if there are other children who do live nearby but don’t make so much effort, this relationship can cause friction in the family.

The children who are not local may feel left out, they may feel that they aren’t as important as their sibling. This may very well play into dynamics that have existed their whole lives. It may be that one child has always spent more time with their parents and now also lives near them. This is not uncommon. 

Another dynamic we see with the local child is that they sometimes may be resentful for all the time they have put into their relationship with their parents. They may wish their siblings had a more active role in the day-to-day activities.

A major exacerbating issue sometimes occurs when the out-of-town sibling visits. They quickly make a list of all the tasks that have not been done and offer tons of suggestions about better systems. Meanwhile, they are forgetting that the local sibling is doing daily chores and has to prioritize tasks. Also, the out-of-towner arrives with the intention of dedicating full days to their parents. Meanwhile, the local one has a full life to deal with in addition to helping their parents. The criticism from the out-of-towner may leave the local sibling feeling offended and unappreciated. This anger, in turn, prevents the local sibling from recognizing that the out-of-towner offers a fresh set of eyes and can provide some good suggestions.  

I think the key here is to try to identify this resentment early on and find a way to stop it from building. There are a lot of ways a non-local sibling can be involved and help out. I have seen families where a sibling who isn’t local, for example, manages the finances. This is easy to do from afar. If the parent gives this sibling power of attorney over finances and bills, they can manage it all online. They can help with insurance issues and can take on the critical role of making sure the parent is not scammed.

The child who is not local can also plan strategic visits home to address very specific issues. For example, they can arrange a few days to tour residences with their parent, or they can arrange to come for important doctor appointments. With some advanced planning, the remote sibling can tackle home chores. A good friend of ours recently planned a visit to his mother’s house and completed a whole list of household chores, including hanging new curtains. By communicating each other’s role clearly, this resentment is less likely to develop.

Another dynamic is that sometimes one sibling just does not get involved. In some cases, they just need to be told what to do. This used to baffle me because it seems so obvious when an older adult needs help, but some siblings need to be given directions from their siblings. The siblings who are more involved can make lists and ask that very specific tasks be completed. Occasionally, there will be a sibling who simply doesn’t want to do the work. That’s harder to deal with as it may relate to long-held resentments. But often people are, frankly, a bit clueless and just need the directions.  

For example, I remember one family where a local sibling didn’t seem to know what to do, so his sister, from afar, gave him a schedule. She said: “Stop by mom’s house once a week on your way home from work. Before you get in the car, call and ask if she needs anything from the grocery store.” At first the sister was annoyed that she had to make this specific request, but after it became a routine, she loved it because she felt comfort knowing that her brother was keeping tabs on their mother. 

The families that seem to work best are the ones who are not afraid to have honest conversations with one another. Taking care of your parents can be complicated and frustrating, and there aren’t good guidebooks out there. There’s no What to Expect When Your Mother Is 80.

If you are lucky enough to have siblings, you may want to take this opportunity to try to communicate with one another and form a team. You might find that just being honest and telling your siblings how you feel about your aging parents can open up lines of communication.

difficult family dynamics when losing a loved a loved one senior move management

Loss of privacy and control

We are sometimes hired to declutter and organize someone’s home because of a new medical condition that requires changes in how they live. Sometimes, in fact, we are called because someone is in the hospital or rehab and cannot be discharged until they have a safe home to return to.

Some clients will now be using a walker or wheelchair, for example, and will need their home re-configured to allow room to maneuver these tools. Some will need a full-time caregiver, and will need to free up space to accommodate them.

For many of our clients this is an inconvenience or a sad reminder of their loss of independence. But they are eager for it to commence so they can return home and resume their old life as much as possible. However, for our intensely private clients, these changes can be emotionally devastating. These clients have spent years, even decades, making their home a personal sanctum, untouched by anyone else. Suddenly, they are helpless as others descend on the space, making decisions without our client’s input.

I often think of our client Dan as an excellent example of this. Dan rented a small one-bedroom apartment in the East Village. He was in his fifties and had fallen quite ill and spent months in rehab. His doctors were ready to discharge him and he was eager to move back home, but there were a few obstacles. He lived on the fourth floor of a building without an elevator, he was quite a collector, and his apartment was kind of a disaster.

Dan was an intensely private person, and he didn’t want anyone seeing his apartment, not even his landlord. As a result, his apartment had not been painted in thirty years and many things had fallen into a state of disrepair. At one point the floor of the bathroom had started to sink. Instead of having his landlord repair it, Dan bolted a heavy cable to the toilet and then secured the cable into the bathroom wall so that the toilet was essentially suspended from the wall and didn’t add weight to the floor.

Dan had not kept his home clean. It is possible cleaning was never a priority to him, or he may have cleaned more when he was healthy but found it too difficult when his illness progressed. In either case, by the time we were hired the situation had gotten really bad. The few pots and pans he owned were caked with grease and food remnants, his clothes and bedding reeked, and there was a visible layer of dust on every one of the thousands of books he had crammed into his small study.

He had managed to prevent anyone he loved from ever seeing this until, suddenly, he had no choice. He could not come home until the place was deemed suitable for him, and he would need a caregiver to stay with him. Home healthcare agencies will not send caregivers into homes like this because they are not safe or healthy work environments. Dan had appointed his father to be his power of attorney, so his father hired us to clean up his apartment.

As my staff bagged all his clothes to be cleaned and boxed up all his old magazine for discarding, I imagined Dan’s anger and embarrassment at suddenly having his home dismantled, cleaned, and re-assembled by complete strangers.

There is no way to predict when or if any of us will be taken ill. But I am sure, when Dan looks back, he regrets not putting his things in order. If his apartment had been uncluttered and tidy, his family would not have had to get as deeply involved as they did. He is home now. He is furious about some of the things that were discarded, but at least he is home.

If you are a private person like Dan, you may want to put a plan in place for how you want your things handled if you become incapacitated or die. It is not a bad idea to put together instructions in your will. You can even specify a few companies that you would trust to sort your things, and you can specify that your family not be involved. If you don’t do so, the courts will naturally turn to them first.

If you don’t designate someone as your power of attorney (something we should all do as soon as we are adults), then your state will follow a formal process of deciding who this should be. It could be a parent, or a child, for example. If you have other, non-relatives, who you would trust more to understand your wishes, you should designate them legally now.

You might consider putting into writing that your executor or power of attorney hire someone from an organization like the National Association of Senior Move Managers (of which we are a proud member), for example, or the National Association of Professional Organizers. The key is to specify these things now, before it is too late.

loss of independence privacy control in senior citizens and aging adults

The gift of giving your things to someone you love

I adored my maternal grandmother, Gladys. She was calm, smart, and thoughtful. She always wore a string of pearls, and I coveted them when I was a little girl. She had told my mom that she wanted me to have them so, after she died, my mom had the pearls re-strung for me. I love this necklace, and I always think of my grandmother when I wear it.

I think it was so kind of my grandmother to remember what I wanted and leave me that. And only that. If she had bequeathed me a lot of other things – furniture, china, etc. – I would have had to go through the guilt-ridden process of letting it all go. Or I would have had to pay to store it. Or I would have had to cram it in all into our Brooklyn apartment. Instead, I have one string of pearls that I love and no possessions which became, frankly, a burden.

My husband’s grandmother, Ruth, did something equally smart. In the last few years of her life, she offered jewelry to people periodically. I admired a clunky silver bracelet of hers, so one day when I came to visit she had bagged it up for me, ready to take home. When I wore it to a family wedding a few months later, she beamed with pride. I wore it to her next few birthdays. And I wore it to her funeral. I continue to wear it to this day.

We are always encouraging clients to make nice gifts before they die. This allows you to make sure you’re giving something your loved ones want. If you offer something to someone and they do not want it, you can select someone else who will really want it. Then you have not made the mistake of bequeathing something to someone who will not appreciate it the way you always did.

Or if there is a hobby that you loved but no longer enjoy, like golfing or sculpting, imagine how great it would be to know that your tools are being used by someone who wants to get into these hobbies but can’t afford the right equipment. Instead of letting your golf clubs gather dust in your basement, give them to a neighbor’s child who is just getting started. And if no one wants your jewelry or golf clubs? Donate them. Let a stranger benefit.

I am not suggesting that you give away things you need, like your bed or coffee cups. Or that you should give away anything you are still using. But if there are things you have always cherished and hope to pass along, like jewelry, you may find comfort by either gifting them now or making sure you have arranged for someone to receive something you know they will love.

And if you do decide to gift them, think about the joy you will feel getting to see your loved ones enjoy your gifts. Why wait until you’re gone to give it to them when you can both find joy in the gift right now?

The gift of giving your things to someone you love

Old paint cans

After a home renovation project, it can be helpful to save some paint cans in case of chips or wall damage. But, in time, these can really start to add up. They take up space and are a fire hazard. Unfortunately, getting rid of them is not as easy as just taking them out to the curb on garbage day.

In New York City paint cans can be recycled but the rules are tricky. The cans can have some paint in them, but the paint needs to be completely dried out and caked onto the can.

For cans with just a little wet paint inside, open them up and let them dry completely. This may take a couple of days. Once the paint is dry, toss the cans recycling.

For cans with more paint, the job is a little messier. We usually use two garbage bags – one nestled inside the other. This way if one bag rips, the other one is providing back up protection. Fill the inner bag with something absorbent, like paper shredding or cat litter. You can now pour the excess paint directly into this bag. Then seal this bag carefully and toss it out with regular garbage. Please be careful about the fumes and don’t put this garbage bag in your home.

Let the cans dry out and add them to recycling.

Many communities will hold events where you can bring hard-to-dispose of things like old paint cans. In New York, #lowereastsideecologycenter, among others, has community events to take old paints.

what to do with old paint cans when downsizing minimizing relocating

An artist’s legacy

We have been hired by many families who are emptying the homes of artists and, I have to tell you, it breaks my heart when a family is faced with a large collection of art created by someone they love.

I’m not talking about super-successful artists with strong sales records or artists represented by galleries. These works should be handled professionally. I’m talking here about people who created art as a hobby, keeping 99% of the pieces they created.

The art is often beautiful. The art is often moving. The problem? There’s a whole lot of it. We’ve had cases where hundreds of pieces are left behind. And the sad truth is that nobody loves a collection like this as much as the artist themselves did. Now the artist is gone but the collection remains.

The best solution we’ve had is to make the art a central part of a memorial service. Make the memorial a tribute to your loved one’s work. And ask everyone who attends a memorial service to select at least one piece of art to take home with them. Honesty helps here. People want to help after a death, so give them a very specific role. You can say something like this:

“Please bring at least one piece home with you. Even if you don’t plan to keep it yourself, please find a good home for it by giving it to someone who will love it or donating it to an organization you know who can make good use of it. You will be helping us out greatly with this act.”

If there is still work after the memorial, you can try donating what remains. We’ve had success with this, but it’s unlikely you’ll find a donation center that wants more than a few pieces from the collection. So, even after donating to several places, it’s likely you’ll still have pieces left. Sadly, at this point disposal may be your only option.

The families of these artists know how painstakingly long the artist spent on each piece. A spouse, child, or good friend of a deceased artist can often remember hearing the deceased talk about each piece as they made it. I always try to remind people to not get caught up in thoughts like “Bob would be mortified if he knew we discarded of some of his art.” Instead, try to remember that creating the art is what gave the artist pleasure and they reaped the benefits of that creative process while they were living. What remains, after their death, is just a physical memento. Sometimes taking digital photos of each piece can make the process less painful.

For the art supplies themselves, in New York City there is a wonderful non-profit called Materials for the Arts (www.materialsforthearts.org). They have a huge warehouse where art teachers in New York City can go for free supplies. They accept paint, fabrics, beads, craft supplies, canvasses, and much more.

If you are an artist yourself reading this, I have a hard truth for you: if you leave behind a lifetime’s worth of art you will be, without realizing it, putting a heavy burden on your family and friends. There are some things you can do to make this easier for them:

  1. Start to give your art away now; if anyone has mentioned that they would like a piece of your work, ask them to come pick one out. They can either take it now or you can make a note that they will take it after your death.

  2. Have an honest conversation with your spouse, children, or friends. Tell them you don’t expect them to find the perfect home for every piece you made. Tell them it’s okay to dispose of some of it. They will remember these words later and it will make them feel better if they do need to dispose of any of it.

canvas art left behind by the recently deceased artist

Hoarding

The topic of hoarding is too large to handle in a blog post, but I do want to touch on it briefly because we get asked about the topic often.

Hoarding is a psychiatric disorder and should never be treated lightly. Hoarders should not be discriminated against or judged. Hoarding is also not a word that should be used lightly. We have had many people described to us as hoarders who turn out just to have a cluttered home.

The Institute for Challenging Disorganization has published a five-level scale of hoarding. The two highest levels, Levels 4 and 5, are beyond anything we would ever attempt to help mitigate. In these situations, a home is often infested with animals (dead and alive), excrement, and insects, and is completely unsafe and unhealthy.

We have worked with hoarders on the first three levels of the scale. Most of the hoarders we have worked with are under threat of eviction and have been given a deadline to make significant progress. If a hoarder does not have this kind of impetus, we find it almost impossible to convince them to make any kind of progress.

Our time working with Sandy (not her real name) is a good example of our experiences with hoarders. When we started working with Sandy, her apartment was so packed that she had created a burrow from the entrance of the apartment to her kitchen and from the kitchen to the bathroom and bedroom. Each burrow was carved out from stacks and stacks of things.

hoarding and downsizing relocations with senior citizens new york

Sandy had hundreds of packages, things she had purchased and never opened, such as small and large appliances and furniture that needed assembly. But the bulk of her hoard was comprised of newspapers, magazines, and grocery bags. These were stacked precariously everywhere. In many places the stacks were waist high or higher.

She had so many things piled onto her bed that she could no longer sleep on it. Instead she slept on a recliner that faced her small television set. We worked with her for roughly a year and it took almost ten months before we could even access parts of her apartment.

Her landlord had started eviction proceedings against her. Her lawyer convinced the judge to allow her time to reduce her possessions. Based on our limited experience, it seems that New York City judges in housing court are reluctant to evict people, so when they hear that someone like Sandy is taking active measures to reduce their hoard and make their home safe again, they will grant them time to work on it.

She was deeply ashamed of her apartment, and apologized to us constantly as we worked with her. She explained, repeatedly, that she had not always lived like this. Then she would start a long story about her health and other issues that had crept up on her. But every time she started to explain her situation, she would return to two incidents: her mother’s death and her uncle’s death.

Sandy and her sister had fought about everything involving their mother’s death. Her sister was the appointed executor and was so frustrated trying to work with Sandy that she ultimately basically cut her out of the process and made decisions on her own.

Sandy could list, tirelessly, many of the things that were thrown away that she knew had value or were useful. As she did, her voice would shake and she would get worked up into a rage. 

So, when her uncle died a few years later and Sandy had more control over the dissolution of his apartment, she could not bring herself to throw away anything he had owned. She had his books, his cooking equipment, and his clothes. She had most of his furniture and all of his files. She even had the toothbrush he had been using in his final days.

The toothbrush was in a plastic bag under piles of newspapers. When a member of our team pulled the bag out and showed it to Sandy they felt sick to their stomach. It was a used toothbrush that had been stored for years in a plastic bag below newspapers. But Sandy wanted to keep it. She took it and tucked it away in a secret spot so it wouldn’t accidentally be discarded.

This is one thing all of the hoarders we have worked with have in common. They tell us they started hoarding when someone they love died and they could not bear to throw away anything that belonged to that person. Instead, they brought all their belongings home.

Eventually we were able to discard enough of Sandy’s belongings that she was able to fight off the eviction proceedings. But it was incredibly sad working with her. Despite the accomplishment of creating a more functional home and saving her from eviction, it was clear that Sandy was more focused on all the things that were gone. We could remove as much as we can, but if Sandy did not explore the roots of her hoarding, it seemed likely she would fill the home up again.

There may be hoarders reading this post. I am not an expert, and can only speak based on the cases I have worked with. But it is worth remembering that however hard you try to hide your hoarding, it will eventually come to light. At some point, due to illness, death, or legal action, someone will take control of your belongings and they will not handle them with the same care and devotion you give them.

If you take some steps now to address your condition, you can avoid having someone else step in against your will. You might start by seeking support from a therapist or psychiatrist, and consider hiring someone to sort through your belongings with you as you work on your mental health.

A couple of good places online to understand hoarding and find help are the International OCD Foundation (ICODF.org) and the Institute for Challenging Disorganization (ICD). There’s also a terrific book called The Secret Lives of Hoarders, by Matt Paxton, that takes this topic much further than I can in this blog post.

all about hoarding paper moon moves senior management nyc

Secrets from the grave

Secrets from the grave…..

 It’s not a topic we love thinking about but, sadly, death is an inevitable part of life. And the truth is that once people die, we become privy to a lot of details about their lives. We sometimes find ourselves uncovering things that the deceased had kept hidden from everyone they know. This is something to think about now. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, is there anything in your files or drawers that will shock or confuse your heirs?

 When our client Elaine died, she left her son and daughter-in-law a huge apartment to sort and empty. Chad and Jennifer lived in Boston, so they traveled to New York four or five weekends, diligently sorting through everything Elaine left behind, including fifty years of correspondence and greeting cards.

 As they sorted, they came across a box of letters between Elaine and a man with whom she had a twenty-year affair. The affair had started (it seems) after Chad’s parents had divorced, but the boyfriend was married and had three kids when he and Elaine were involved and now he had a handful of grandchildren.

 It is possible Elaine wanted Chad and Jennifer to find out about this relationship. Maybe she always felt guilty about hiding this from them and hoped to clear the air after her death. But she probably did not realize that she would leave them –

in mourning and burdened with the task of emptying her apartment – also suddenly forced to process the fact that she had been in a long-term relationship with a married father of three.

 Chad and Jennifer had to decide whether or not to reach out to the boyfriend. Can you imagine meeting your mother’s boyfriend of many years for the first time after her death?

 And it makes me wonder how they will remember Elaine? Will her secret become the defining aspect of her life? I bet every time they mention her death to a friend, the affair is the first thing discussed. They probably laugh about it a little, but I am certain it is not easy to learn that someone you loved could keep such a big secret from you. How much time have Chad and Jennifer spent re-evaluating their interactions with Elaine and second-guessing their own memories?

 One thing Jennifer told me still haunts me. “You know what really upsets me?” she said. “Chad and I tried, for years, to encourage her to date again. We thought she must be lonely and we were sad that she never met anyone after her divorce. All this time, she was madly in love.”

 It is natural and normal that we all have secrets. Most are not shocking in nature, just things we prefer to keep private. But it’s worth remembering that evidence of those secrets very well may outlive you.

 You have been hiding these secrets for many years, but you will not be present when they are discovered. You will never have a chance to defend yourself, or explain. Angry journal entries written in the heat of the moment may be taken as how you felt every day. Evidence of a youthful one-time indiscretion may define you. You will not be able to apologize.

 You may be thinking that you do not care about this. A lot of people would say: I’ll be dead, so why should I care?

 But think about the grief this could cause the people you love the most. Their memory of you will now be tinged by this secret. And they will not have the option to talk to you about it, so they will have to carry their confusion, and possibly anger, with them for the rest of their lives.

 You may have journals, mementos, or photos in your basement or in the backs of your closet. Take an inventory of them now and make sure that they do not contain anything that could prove distressful for someone to learn about after you die. It may seem painful to discard them, but this could be the responsible thing to do.

 As you think about any of these things you have refrained from sharing with the people you love, you might consider why you have kept it a secret. It’s possible that you will want to share things that you have kept hidden. Better to do this now when you can be part of the conversation.