This time of year evokes a lot of different feelings. I know people who seem to thrive. They have their holiday shopping done before Thanksgiving and relish decorating the house. But I also know lots of people who would prefer to sit the whole thing out but feel pressured to travel or celebrate with family, and have come to dread this time of year. The holidays can also invoke feelings of loneliness and loss for many.
For seniors, in particular, this can sometimes be a hard time of year. An older relative of ours used to love hosting big Thanksgiving dinners. She has had some health problems in the past couple of years and is having a hard time managing all the challenges of cooking for a big group of people and having overnight guests, but she is reluctant to admit this and keeps insisting that she will host, even though her children wish she would relax and let them take over. This has caused a lot of ongoing tension in her family.
For those recently widowed, or who have lost a good friend or family member, the holidays can be down-right painful. It’s hard to celebrate when the person you most want to celebrate with is gone. I have a good friend who tries to ignore Christmas every year because she lost her father on Christmas Day when she was in college. But it’s hard to ignore something that permeates the culture.
Another friend of mine used to have wonderful Christmas celebrations at his parent’s house. When his mother died 10 years ago, he and his sister and their families tried to continue with the same kinds of celebrations. But the celebrations felt sad and hollow without their mother. Finally, after a few rough years, they came across a great solution. They changed it all up. Instead of gathering at their father’s house each year, they all meet at Mohonk Mountain House, a beautiful resort in the Catskills. They have developed a whole new set of traditions, including decorating a tree provided by the resort and watching movies together on Christmas Eve.
I find this so inspiring. I think traditions can be wonderful, but when they no longer work, they can become almost suffocating. Everybody feels like they have to celebrate the same way they always did, even when the people celebrating have changed.
So here’s my advice for this year: be open to new ways to celebrate. Try something new. It can be something small. The year after my sister-in-law died (far too young), my step-mother announced we would have a cookie baking contest on Christmas. We showed up with batches of cookies and had a lighthearted competition (I tried my hand at black-and-white cookies but came in last!). She gave us something new and fun to focus on, to help alleviate the blow of celebrating without Jennifer.
And as far as gifts go, I always wish we could let go of the need to buy lots of things for one another. If you are in a group that exchanges lots of gifts, consider something my husband’s family has always done: ask people to tell you what they want. We love it because it takes the stress out of trying to come up with creative ideas, and the recipient loves it because they get exactly what they want. Some of our family members get really specific with the brand and colors of things they want. This may feel a little impersonal to some people but I actually love knowing that our gifts are going to be enjoyed.
Or, if you prefer to surprise people, consider giving food as gifts. Something handmade, perhaps, a nice gift basket, or a good bottle of wine. Or make something with photos – perhaps an album full of photos from a family trip taken during the year or a calendar with photos from the year. Calendars are not necessarily of interest to everyone, but I know plenty of older people who still use them.
Another idea is to offer to take someone out to a special event instead of buying them something. High tea is a good option for seniors because high tea is usually served in quiet hotel lobbies in the afternoon. And the gift will benefit you, too, because you’ll have three tiers of treats to savor all afternoon.
Whatever you do this year, and however you celebrate, please take a few minutes to be thankful for the people in your life. They may not be perfect, but they won’t always be here and you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
