Secrets from the grave…..
It’s not a topic we love thinking about but, sadly, death is an inevitable part of life. And the truth is that once people die, we become privy to a lot of details about their lives. We sometimes find ourselves uncovering things that the deceased had kept hidden from everyone they know. This is something to think about now. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, is there anything in your files or drawers that will shock or confuse your heirs?
When our client Elaine died, she left her son and daughter-in-law a huge apartment to sort and empty. Chad and Jennifer lived in Boston, so they traveled to New York four or five weekends, diligently sorting through everything Elaine left behind, including fifty years of correspondence and greeting cards.
As they sorted, they came across a box of letters between Elaine and a man with whom she had a twenty-year affair. The affair had started (it seems) after Chad’s parents had divorced, but the boyfriend was married and had three kids when he and Elaine were involved and now he had a handful of grandchildren.
It is possible Elaine wanted Chad and Jennifer to find out about this relationship. Maybe she always felt guilty about hiding this from them and hoped to clear the air after her death. But she probably did not realize that she would leave them –
in mourning and burdened with the task of emptying her apartment – also suddenly forced to process the fact that she had been in a long-term relationship with a married father of three.
Chad and Jennifer had to decide whether or not to reach out to the boyfriend. Can you imagine meeting your mother’s boyfriend of many years for the first time after her death?
And it makes me wonder how they will remember Elaine? Will her secret become the defining aspect of her life? I bet every time they mention her death to a friend, the affair is the first thing discussed. They probably laugh about it a little, but I am certain it is not easy to learn that someone you loved could keep such a big secret from you. How much time have Chad and Jennifer spent re-evaluating their interactions with Elaine and second-guessing their own memories?
One thing Jennifer told me still haunts me. “You know what really upsets me?” she said. “Chad and I tried, for years, to encourage her to date again. We thought she must be lonely and we were sad that she never met anyone after her divorce. All this time, she was madly in love.”
It is natural and normal that we all have secrets. Most are not shocking in nature, just things we prefer to keep private. But it’s worth remembering that evidence of those secrets very well may outlive you.
You have been hiding these secrets for many years, but you will not be present when they are discovered. You will never have a chance to defend yourself, or explain. Angry journal entries written in the heat of the moment may be taken as how you felt every day. Evidence of a youthful one-time indiscretion may define you. You will not be able to apologize.
You may be thinking that you do not care about this. A lot of people would say: I’ll be dead, so why should I care?
But think about the grief this could cause the people you love the most. Their memory of you will now be tinged by this secret. And they will not have the option to talk to you about it, so they will have to carry their confusion, and possibly anger, with them for the rest of their lives.
You may have journals, mementos, or photos in your basement or in the backs of your closet. Take an inventory of them now and make sure that they do not contain anything that could prove distressful for someone to learn about after you die. It may seem painful to discard them, but this could be the responsible thing to do.
As you think about any of these things you have refrained from sharing with the people you love, you might consider why you have kept it a secret. It’s possible that you will want to share things that you have kept hidden. Better to do this now when you can be part of the conversation.
