Top reasons we keep stuff: it was a gift

Top nine reasons we keep stuff: It was a gift

This is another post in a series exploring the top reasons we keep stuff, according to David Ekerdt, professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of Kansas. Dr. Ekerdt has spent his career interviewing and studying people, digging into their attachment to their belongings and trying to understand why we love our things so much. He developed this list of the top reasons we keep things:

1. It seems useful.

2. We think it is worth money.

3. It gives us pleasure.

4. It represents us.

5. We may need it one day.

6. It was a gift.

7. Conservation is a virtue.

8. Legacy – we want to leave things to people when we die.

9. We keep because we can.

In this post we will be exploring reason #6: we keep things because they were gifts. Dr. Ekerdt has some thoughtful ideas on this topic. He asks us to think about whether we like the gift or not, and if we have positive feelings about the gift giver. If we like the gift and have positive feelings about the person who gave it us, there’s no issue. The gift makes us happy, so it stays in our home.

The issue arises when we don’t like a gift or when we have a complicated relationship with the person who gave it to us.

If we are close to the gift giver and want to avoid harming the relationship, but we don’t like the gift, we may feel like we have to keep it to avoid hurting their feelings and potentially damaging the relationship. In some cases, this may be the best option. Maybe your good friend gave you a vase that you don’t like, but the vase is relatively small so you can keep it out on display but tucked out of sight. This probably doesn’t cause much trouble, so you may decide it’s worth hanging onto.

But if the gift can’t be tucked away somewhere out of sight, you may find that it is bothering you to have to keep it out. You may find that the vase sort of annoys you each time you see it, and because you associate it with your good friend, you find that you feel slightly annoyed about your friend on a regular basis.

In this case, the gift – the unwanted object in your home – may actually be causing some harm to an otherwise healthy relationship because it is now infused with a lie – the lie that you enjoy this gift. Every time you see the gift, you are reminded of this lie and the lie could start to erode the positive feelings you have about the gift giver.

In this case Dr. Eckerdt suggests that you put the gift in perspective to your overall relationship with the person who gave it to you. You are close to this person, so you have probably known them a long time and you have probably exchanged lots of other gifts back and forth.

The best option here may be to give the gift to someone else – donate it or give it to a friend who actually likes it. If the gift-giver asks where it is, you can try being honest with them. They may be slightly upset, but your relationship is strong enough to withstand this. Or you can tell a little white lie – tell them it broke, for example. But you need to tread carefully here because you don’t want a lie to come between you and the gift giver.

A client of ours named Steve had a good relationship with his stepfather, an artist. His stepfather kept giving his art to Steve and his wife. Some of the art was quite large and Steve and his wife lived in a relatively small apartment. Steve and his wife had a decent relationship with Steve’s stepfather, but they did not care for his art and they didn’t want to hang the art in their apartment, so they took a slight risk.

They donated the art to a new homeless shelter opening in the neighborhood. The shelter was happy to have it because they didn’t have a budget for art. This made Steve and his wife feel good. So the gift itself – the art – actually had its intended effect: it made the recipients feel good. The risk was that Steve’s stepfather might ask about the art one day. Steve felt prepared to be honest about the situation, to an extent. He didn’t have to tell his stepfather that he didn’t care for his art, but he felt he could tell him they didn’t have room for it and that they found a terrific place for it where it would bring joy to others.

The situation is more complicated when you have a difficult relationship with the gift-giver. In this case, every time you see the gift, you are reminded of the difficult relationship. Suddenly you find yourself feeling negative emotions about the gift giver. If the gift is out on display in your home, you may experience these negative emotions multiple times a day. This will only make a difficult relationship even more difficult.

A client of ours (we’ll call her Lisa) had a complicated relationship with her sister. They had never been close as kids and when they got older, things just got worse. Lisa found her sister rude and unsupportive. Her sister married someone with a well-paying career, and suddenly became rather wealthy. As her wealth grew, so did the cost of her gifts. Finally, one year for Christmas she gave Lisa a very expensive ceramic gravy boat in the shape of a swan.

Lisa hated the swan. It wasn’t her style and she found it ostentatious. She knew she would never use it. She put it in a cabinet and only ever thought of it when she had to poke around in the cabinet looking for something she needed. As we sorted with Lisa and she showed us this swan, she became visibly agitated. She held it out at arms’ length and started telling us all the bad things her sister had done to her over the years and how much she hated this swan.

Suddenly she threw the swan down on the floor and it smashed to pieces. She started laughing! She was ecstatic. This act of destruction actually had a cathartic effect on her, and she joyfully swept up all the broken pieces.

The ceramic swan had been a reminder of the many bad feelings she had about her sister, and, every time she saw it, she would re-live those feelings. With the swan now out of her home and out of her life, she had one less reason to be annoyed about her relationship with her sister.

The discussion becomes a little different when you like the gift but have a complicated relationship with the gift giver. You can think about this in two different ways. On the one hand, you could enjoy the gift and quietly remind yourself, when you use it, that it is a positive aspect of an otherwise difficult relationship. Your enjoyment of the gift may help you feel grateful to have this person in your life and could help you appreciate their other good qualities.  

If, on the other hand, every time you see or use the gift, you have the angry feelings Lisa had, then you may decide that it’s not worth having this object in your life, even if you like it. You may want to sell or donate this gift and buy yourself something similar. It just may be that this is the better path to take – if it will help mitigate the anger you hold towards the recipient.

You may be holding onto any number of things you don’t particularly like but you feel you should keep because they were gifts. This is a common feeling – this sense of guilt or obligation. Many of us want to avoid the awkward discussion that may come up if someone asks about something they gave you. But instead of just mindlessly keeping the object, we suggest you explore the dynamic a little further and make sure that keeping the gift really is the best option or if there may be another way to handle the situation, a way that could be better for your relationship with the gift giver, in the long-term.

Decluttering is an act of love

Look around your home. You probably see a lot of stuff you love. Maybe you have bookcases full of books you’ve read or plan to read one day, maybe you have art that you have collected one piece at time. There is the furniture you have spent your entire adult life accumulating, and maybe an assortment of cool and unique decorative items you have curated. It’s all good stuff, right? Somebody would be lucky to have it all if you were no longer here, right? Your stuff would never pose a problem to anyone, would it? 

For fifteen years, my husband, Joe, and I have owned a small business in New York City clearing out estates and helping seniors move. People hire us for a variety of reasons – a parent has died and their apartment needs to be emptied, an aunt needs to move into a senior residence, a friend with dementia can no longer safely live alone and needs to make room in her home for a caregiver.

The one thing every job has in common is that there is suddenly a large amount of stuff that has to be moved, sold, donated, or discarded. And it usually has to be handled quickly. All of these things have been peacefully sitting in our clients’ homes, not drawing a lot of attention to themselves. But, suddenly, they become the focus of everybody’s attention, and they cause a tremendous amount of stress.

Here's the sad truth about our stuff. The vast majority of it is no longer worth anything. Especially if you have to sell it all within a deadline. In fact, removing our stuff is likely to take a lot of time and cost a lot of money. And it will all have to be removed someday. That day may come without warning but it will come with a price tag and a deadline.

All that stuff in your home, all that stuff you love, you have collected your whole life, right? It has taken you years to accumulate it all. Now imagine someone you love having to deal with it all in a matter of months, or possibly weeks.  

If you rent your home, would your landlord allow your family to keep the lease long enough for your family to sell every last piece of furniture? Most likely, not. If you own your home, how long do you think your heirs will be able to pay to maintain it while they try to find a good home for every piece of art? This is not a happy thing to think about, but I can tell you it will be a very real problem for someone you love. 

Most people aren’t aware that this will be an issue, but we see it every day. We know this problem is lurking inside every home, all over the world. Whether you’re forty, fifty, or eighty, you need to realize that your stuff will someday become a burden to someone you love.

I believe the greatest gift you can give to the people you love is to start taking steps to downsize your possessions now. We have blog posts to help, starting with this basic step-by-step guide: Decluttering: Where do I start?

Donating wheelchairs and medical supplies

Wheelchairs and medical supplies are a sore subject for me. Every time I see equipment that our clients no longer need and want to donate, I think of all the people who could use it – all the people who can’t afford to buy expensive medical equipment, or who can’t get their insurance company to cover the cost.

It should be easy to match used equipment with people who need it, but each time we set out to donate medical supplies of any kind – hospital beds, wheelchairs, walkers, sealed boxes of incontinence supplies, or any other supplies – we find ourselves spending a lot of time and effort doing so.

As with some other donations, the cost of transporting medical equipment to the people who need it is prohibitive. Most of the organizations collecting medical supplies cannot afford to offer transport services. Usually, our clients have to pay for transportation.

Charitable organizations are aware of all the hazards of passing used medical supplies from one person to another. Electric wheelchairs pose a particularly challenging problem. A non-profit providing wheelchairs to those in need cannot risk passing along faulty equipment. Imagine the issues that could arise if someone were given an electric wheelchair and it malfunctioned. Manual wheelchairs are easier to donate because they can usually be folded up and fit into the trunk of a car. And the risk of them not working is not nearly as high.

The key to know about donating medical equipment or supplies is that it can usually be done, but it takes time and effort.

Sometimes when a client has a wheelchair or hospital bed, it turns out to be rented and needs to be returned. This can be a challenge, as we have found rental supply companies often do not have good records of their rentals and they are often short-staffed. It can be difficult to figure out how to return things. If equipment is rented, there will usually be a label with a phone number.

For smaller supplies, such as bandages, incontinence supplies, and other things that can be shipped without much trouble, the AFYA Foundation is a great resource. Based in Westchester, New York, AFYA mobilizes supplies to be delivered to places hit by natural disasters, such as hurricanes or floods. During the COVID outbreak, AFYA sent medical supplies to hospitals in hard hit areas. See afyafoundation.net for more information. Please note that they used to pick things up in New York City but now it is difficult to arrange a pickup with them, so you may have to pay to have things sent to them.

There are some other organizations we call to donate medical supplies, but they are not consistently reliable, I’m afraid. Sadly, it always takes a lot of effort to donate these supplies. It’s obviously wonderful when you get these supplies to the people who need them, but definitely know that doing so may take a lot of time and patience.

Understanding Senior Move Management

Understanding Senior Move Management: How Paper Moon Moves Can Help

Moving is often a challenging experience, but for seniors, it can be particularly overwhelming. Whether downsizing from a longtime family home, transitioning to a senior living community, or relocating closer to family, the process involves emotional and logistical complexities that can be difficult to navigate. This is where Paper Moon Moves comes in—a company dedicated to making these transitions smoother and more manageable.

What Are Senior Move Managers?

Senior move managers are professionals who specialize in assisting older adults and their families with the process of moving. Unlike traditional moving companies, senior move managers offer a comprehensive service that goes beyond just transporting belongings from one place to another. We understand that moving in later stages of life often involves much more than just packing boxes; it requires compassion, patience, and a deep understanding of the unique needs of seniors.

At Paper Moon Moves, we focus on easing the stress of moving by handling every detail with care. Our services include:

• Planning and Coordination: We work closely with you to create a customized moving plan that fits your specific needs. From deciding what to keep, donate, or discard, to scheduling movers and managing timelines, we take care of all the logistics.

• Sorting and Downsizing: Moving often involves downsizing, which can be an emotional and difficult process. We assist with sorting through belongings, helping you make decisions about what to take with you and what to leave behind. Our goal is to make this process as smooth and stress-free as possible.

• Packing and Unpacking: Our team ensures that your items are packed safely and efficiently. Upon arrival at your new home, we also unpack and organize your belongings, setting up your new space so it feels like home from the moment you walk in.

• Settling In: Beyond just unpacking, we help you settle into your new environment by arranging furniture, hanging pictures, and making sure everything is in its place. We aim to recreate the comfort and familiarity of your previous home in your new one.

• Emotional Support: We understand that moving can be an emotional experience, especially for those leaving a long-time home. Our team is trained to provide the support and understanding needed during these transitions, making the process less daunting.

When Might You Need a Senior Move Manager?

There are several situations where hiring a senior move manager like Paper Moon Moves can be incredibly beneficial:

1. Downsizing: If you’re moving from a larger home to a smaller one, whether it's an apartment, condo, or senior living community, downsizing can be a challenging task. We help you determine what’s essential, manage the sale or donation of items, and ensure that the transition is smooth.

2. Health-Related Moves: When health issues necessitate a move to a more supportive living environment, time is often of the essence. We can expedite the process, handling all the details so you or your loved one can focus on adjusting to the new setting.

3. Long-Distance Relocation: Moving closer to family or to a new city can be a daunting task, especially when it involves long distances. We coordinate everything from afar, ensuring that your belongings arrive safely and that your new home is ready for you.

4. Estate Transitions: In cases where a loved one has passed away or is moving to assisted living, we assist with the estate, helping to organize, distribute, and manage the belongings left behind. This can be an emotionally taxing process, and our team is here to offer both practical help and emotional support.

5. Aging in Place: Sometimes a home becomes too cluttered to navigate safely. Or you need to free up space for a caretaker to stay there comfortably. Or maybe you just want a bit more breathing room. We can help you downsize and organize your home. There's no move but your home may feel brand new when we're finished. 

Why Choose Paper Moon Moves?

At Paper Moon Moves, we understand that every move is unique. Our personalized approach ensures that your specific needs are met, and our compassionate team is dedicated to making your move as stress-free as possible. We take pride in handling the details, so you don’t have to, allowing you to focus on the excitement of starting a new chapter in your life.

Whether you’re planning a move in the near future or just considering your options, we’re here to help. Contact us today to learn more about how we can assist you in making your next move a smooth and positive experience.

The challenges with donating

In many parts of the country, it has become difficult to make donations. This frustrates our clients to no end, and I feel for them. But I also understand the issues all too well.

There are simply too many things to donate and not enough space to house it all. This has been happening for years but, in some areas, was accelerated by the pandemic when families leaving urban areas parted with many items quickly. We’re still feeling those effects. The charitable organizations we work with have been forced to become much more discerning over the years, only taking things that can be sold in their shops relatively quickly.

Space is another factor causing organizations to become more particular with what they take. If they accept donations for items that won’t sell quickly, then they will fill their shops with things that will sit around and collect dust for long periods of time. They are paying rent for their space, and they need to maximize their sales, so these items are costing them money.

Many places don’t have the resources to pick things up from donors. I they do, they are likely only going to spend the time and money on hiring a crew, arranging a pickup, etc. for items that they deem valuable. For more basic donations, it is unlikely you will be able to arrange a pickup. Or if you can, it may be tricky to schedule and involve very long arrival windows. You may be better off delivering the items yourself. This may require hiring a small mover, or loading your car and making multiple trips.

If you find a donation center willing to pick your things up, they almost certainly will not be able to pack for you. So you will need to do this before the pick-up date. Clothes need to be bagged into large recycling or garbage bags, kitchenware needs to be boxed up with enough protection to have the items safely delivered to the donation center. Books should be boxed up in small boxes because larger boxes become too heavy to lift safely. A typical book/small box size is 12” x 12” x 12”.

There are a couple of good reasons to make donations. Most importantly, when you donate your things, you get the satisfaction of knowing that your belongings will not be discarded but, rather, will go to a good home and be useful to someone.

Of lesser importance, but worth considering is the potential tax-saving benefits of making donations. Each situation is different, so I can’t give accounting advice, but you might call your accountant or do a little research to see if you can realize tax savings by making donations. If your donation is of a high value item, you may need to have it appraised first as the IRS may require paperwork attesting to the value.

I would not let the inconvenience of donating deter you from doing it. Knowing your items are having a second life, free from the landfill, is worth some effort. Unfortunately, be prepared that it may be a bit more complicated than a simple phone call.

An artist’s legacy

We have been hired by many families who are emptying the homes of artists and, I have to tell you, it breaks my heart when a family is faced with a large collection of art created by someone they love.

I’m not talking about super-successful artists with strong sales records or artists represented by galleries. These works should be handled professionally. I’m talking here about people who created art as a hobby, keeping 99% of the pieces they created.

The art is often beautiful. The art is often moving. The problem? There’s a whole lot of it. We’ve had cases where hundreds of pieces are left behind. And the sad truth is that nobody loves a collection like this as much as the artist themselves did. Now the artist is gone but the collection remains.

The best solution we’ve had is to make the art a central part of a memorial service. Make the memorial a tribute to your loved one’s work. And ask everyone who attends a memorial service to select at least one piece of art to take home with them. Honesty helps here. People want to help after a death, so give them a very specific role. You can say something like this:

“Please bring at least one piece home with you. Even if you don’t plan to keep it yourself, please find a good home for it by giving it to someone who will love it or donating it to an organization you know who can make good use of it. You will be helping us out greatly with this act.”

If there is still work after the memorial, you can try donating what remains. We’ve had success with this, but it’s unlikely you’ll find a donation center that wants more than a few pieces from the collection. So, even after donating to several places, it’s likely you’ll still have pieces left. Sadly, at this point disposal may be your only option.

The families of these artists know how painstakingly long the artist spent on each piece. A spouse, child, or good friend of a deceased artist can often remember hearing the deceased talk about each piece as they made it. I always try to remind people to not get caught up in thoughts like “Bob would be mortified if he knew we discarded of some of his art.” Instead, try to remember that creating the art is what gave the artist pleasure and they reaped the benefits of that creative process while they were living. What remains, after their death, is just a physical memento. Sometimes taking digital photos of each piece can make the process less painful.

For the art supplies themselves, in New York City there is a wonderful non-profit called Materials for the Arts (www.materialsforthearts.org). They have a huge warehouse where art teachers in New York City can go for free supplies. They accept paint, fabrics, beads, craft supplies, canvasses, and much more.

If you are an artist yourself reading this, I have a hard truth for you: if you leave behind a lifetime’s worth of art you will be, without realizing it, putting a heavy burden on your family and friends. There are some things you can do to make this easier for them:

1. Start to give your art away now; if anyone has mentioned that they would like a piece of your work, ask them to come pick one out. They can either take it now or you can make a note that they will take it after your death.

2. Have an honest conversation with your spouse, children, or friends. Tell them you don’t expect them to find the perfect home for every piece you made. Tell them it’s okay to dispose of some of it. They will remember these words later and it will make them feel better if they do need to dispose of any of it.

Jewelry

Small, easy to move, and desirable – I have come to think of jewelry as the polar opposite of pianos. More often than not, when we are handling an estate with jewelry, there is someone in the family who wants to keep it. This is, by far, the best outcome for anything we handle. We love to see heirs happily accept gifts from estates.

If there isn’t anyone who wants it, jewelry can often be sold without a lot of effort. Fine jewelry – jewelry made of silver or gold or containing gems – is easy to sell. Even costume and vintage jewelry, which do not have the same inherent value, can be desirable and, therefore, sale-able.

If the jewelry can’t be sold, there are plenty of thrift shops that will happily take it as a donation. Jewelry doesn’t take up much space so shops can accept a lot of it.

Doris

Doris was a wealthy widower who died without heirs or many friends. She had a large collection of jewelry, including a ridiculously large gem that looked like a diamond but was set on a simple, cheap ring. We had a jewelry dealer meet us at the apartment to test it. She weighed it and found it to be 7.5 carats – quite sizable. Then she studied it and measured its density with a small portable device that measures the thermal conductivity of a gem.

The test appeared to show it was a genuine diamond, but as she studied the gem carefully herself, she began to have doubts about the accuracy of the device. The setting concerned her. A large expensive diamond would typically be set on a large and expensive ring. She was also concerned by the fact that the ring was kept in a jewelry box with an assortment of costume jewelry. She could not come to any final conclusions about it herself but advised us to show it to an appraiser.

We brought it to a jewelry appraiser at an auction house. He ran the same kinds of tests as the dealer but he had more equipment and better lighting and he was able to determine, with confidence, that it was real. He made an offer to buy it for $20,000. This was nice but we needed a second opinion before we agreed to a sale.

Next I took the ring to a private jeweler on Madison Avenue located a floor above a boutique clothing shop. There are no signs for the shop. You ring the buzzer just as if you are visiting a friend, and are asked to identify yourself before you are admitted upstairs. Inside, you find yourself in a huge apartment that has been converted into a private store. Jewelry cases line every inch of wall space, and the whole place glitters from the light reflecting off of gems.

The first time I had an appointment, I overheard another client ask if she could buy some “cruise” jewelry. It turns out she was looking for jewelry that was real, and nice, but not as valuable as her regular jewelry, in case it got lost or stolen during her trip. She paid $10,000 for a “cruise” bracelet.

The jeweler studied Doris’ ring carefully. He made a lot of notes and called over a colleague for a second opinion. They were also baffled by the modest setting, but they became convinced that the gem was real. Ultimately they paid Doris’ estate, close to $36,000, almost double what the auction house had offered. The Estate Executor agreed to this sale.

I don’t want readers to get lofty ideas from Doris’ story. Most of our clients have some nice pieces to sell or give away, but the values never come close to this amount. It was a once in a lifetime diamond for us.

The good news is that you have options with jewelry. If you don’t have time, you can store it somewhere safe until you can focus on selling it. Once you’re ready, there are a lot of dealers and auction houses interested in fine jewelry. Always get at least a second opinion before committing to a sale and consider hiring an appraiser if the value of the piece seems to warrant the cost of an appraisal.

Furniture

Furniture is the one common denominator among all our clients – everyone who moves and every estate we empty has furniture that is no longer needed by our clients. And furniture is, sadly, extremely challenging to sell or donate.

Many of our clients remember exactly how much they spent on their furniture. In some cases, they recall, as young newlyweds, saving for months to buy a bedroom suite or a dining set. We also often work with people who have inherited pieces from parents or grandparents. These well-meaning relatives had told them, with great confidence, that their furniture was valuable. But, unfortunately, being antique does not mean it is valuable.

The problem is that the original price paid for a piece of furniture has little-to-no impact on the price you can expect to sell it for years later in the re-sale market. The re-sale market is entirely driven by current trends in home décor.

These days people are mostly buying a style of furniture known as Mid-Century Modern or Danish Modern. This style is sleek, without any flourishes or embroidery. It is typically made of light wood, and has simple lines and profiles.

Danish modern furniture only has value because it is trendy now. That will change as tastes change. Nobody knows what will be popular in another ten or twenty years. Maybe children born in 2050 will grow up and develop a love for French country style sofas with striped silk upholstery, or maybe dark, heavy, oak furniture will make a resurgence. The market for re-sale furniture is as unpredictable as any other market.

One reason furniture poses such a problem is that it is expensive to move. So, even if you find an auction house to consign it, you will need to pay a mover to wrap it and transport it to the auction house. And once it’s at the auction house, the auction house staff has to be paid to move it around before, during, and after the auction. Then, once it sells, someone has to pay to have it picked up.

Also, and this is obvious, furniture takes up a lot of space. That’s what makes it furniture. If you run an auction house or a consignment shop, space is a valuable commodity. If a piece of furniture doesn’t sell quickly, it’s taking up space that could be used for other valuable items. The name of the game is sell things fast so you can bring in more to sell. Even with a piece of furniture that seems valuable, there remains the danger of it not selling and taking up space that would be better used for more easily sold items.

So, if you think about the crew needed, time involved, and potential risks, you realize that a single piece of furniture has to sell for a lot of money in order to make all these expenses worthwhile. And it’s not like one can put it out with the trash if it doesn’t sell. Disposal will have costs. For these reasons many dealers and auction houses will pass rather than take the risk.

Our clients sometimes tell us that their friends or neighbors saw a piece of furniture just like the one our client has selling for a lot of money in a high-end antique shop. More often than not the pieces that are available for sale at high prices are originals, by exceptional designers. There are designers that can occasionally buck the trends and garner high prices, so it’s always worth checking to make sure you aren’t holding one of these, but most people we meet tend to have reproductions, which can be almost value-less.

Donating furniture is also much harder than it should be. Again, a crew has to be hired. Each item has to be wrapped and carefully lifted onto a truck then delivered to the thrift store that will ultimately sell it and, hopefully, raise money for a good cause.

The thrift stores need to be picky about what they take for donation because they have the same space constraints that auction houses and dealers have. If they take a large, heavy piece of dark wood furniture, they know it might sit in their shop for weeks or months without any interested buyers, even if it is priced at a low amount.

Are you storing furniture in the hopes of giving it to your grandchildren or heirs one day? I am really sorry to tell you but there is a good chance they will not want it. Even if is well made and useful, if it is not popular, most people will not want it.

If you have pieces that you no longer use or need, I encourage you to start the process now of selling or donating them. If you have time, there are some reputable national online furniture re-sellers, like Chairish.com or Facebook Marketplace. Be aware that sales like this can take a lot of time to finalize, and please don’t allow strangers into your home.

Or consider selling very locally – put your furniture out front on the next nice Saturday with a big price tag on it and prepare to haggle with potential buyers. You might just find a neighbor with a truck willing to pay more than a dealer ever would.

Clothes and handbags

Until the day we’re hired to move a nudist colony, we’ll always be dealing with our client’s clothes. And it’s rare to have a client who does not have more than they need, in many cases they have many outfits that do not even fit them anymore. So, we’re constantly donating clothes and, in some cases, selling them.

The resale market is really only for couture clothing, and high end labels like Armani, Galliano, and Pucci which generally sell for a small fraction of the cost to buy them new. When it comes to sales, handbags tend to do the best. We had a client years ago who saved roughly twenty couture handbags. They were all in pristine condition and she had kept the original packaging. When we sold these bags, she made enough money to cover the entire cost of her move to the West Coast. This is rare. Most of our clients who are able to sell clothing make only modest amounts of money.

Other than couture, it is nearly impossible to make much money selling used clothes. For the majority of our clients, the best option is to donate. But even donating clothes has become more difficult as thrift stores have gotten pickier about the styles they will take and the amount of clothing they will accept.

Dorothy

We were hired by Dorothy’s children because she was on the hoarding spectrum and they were worried about her safety. She was a Level One hoarder so the conditions were not necessarily unsanitary or terribly unsafe, but – like most Level One hoarders, she was on the cusp of living in an unsafe environment.

Her main passion was clothing. She loved to shop. She shopped at the fanciest department stores and boutiques in Manhattan. A lot. When we met her, she had not only filled her closets with couture blouses, sweaters, and dresses, but she had also purchased and filled four eight-foot garment racks. And she had draped clothing on every surface imaginable.

Her favorite designers were Yves Saint Laurent, Perry Ellis, Ralph Lauren, Giorgio Armani, and Chanel. And the vast majority of her clothing had never been worn. We know this because many of the tags, showing astronomical prices, were still attached. We handled blouses with prices higher than the monthly rent for a New York apartment.

Dorothy mostly wanted to keep her clothing, but she also recognized that she had too much of it. Since there is a market for couture clothing, we offered to consign anything she didn’t want to keep.

She was happy to hear this and agreed to sell a number of pieces. She felt they were too good to donate, but she liked the idea of making money by selling them. So, we shipped them off to Linda’s Stuff, one of the largest couture clothing re-sale shops online. We were relieved that we had found a solution to help Dorothy manage her belongings and take back some space in her home.

But, as the first sales on Linda’s Stuff were concluded and the results were reported to her, Dorothy realized that things were selling for much less than what she had paid. She immediately canceled all future sales. We tried to convince her to donate and she did donate a small amount but, ultimately, kept much more than she needed.

There’s no benefit to having more clothes than you need. Having more of it does not necessarily make getting dressed easier. The opposite, in fact, is often true. People with pared-down closets are not overwhelmed with options each morning as they reach for an outfit. There is a whole fashion movement steering people to maintain a small, flexible, wardrobe.

If you have a large clothing collection, I suggest culling it periodically and getting rid of anything that you do not wear regularly. You might find there is someone in your life who can make good use of the things you no longer wear, and you can have fun sharing your clothing with them.

In fact, a number of years ago I was part of a tradition where a bunch of girlfriends would get together regularly for a “naked lady party.” Everyone would bring clothes they no longer wore and it became a giant swap meet. All of our friends would try on one another’s discards and, in the end, quite a lot of the clothing would have a new home.

Even without a naked lady party (or “clothing exchange” or “frock swap” if you prefer a less scandalous name), the options for donating clothing are still pretty good. You just need to take the time to sort what you are donating and make sure you are not passing along anything damaged or soiled. Some places will only want a limited number of bags of used clothes, so you may need to donate to multiple locations and you may have to bring donations in yourself rather than relying on a pick-up.

For couture pieces, there are a number of online re-salers, including Linda’s Stuff and The RealReal, worth contacting. But set your sales expectations appropriately low. If you are comfortable selling for much less than you paid, these could be a good option for you.

Fur coats were once the height of fashion and a mark of luxury and wealth. Believe it or not, today you often cannot give them away. The issue is that the market has declined drastically, due to ethical concerns about treatment of animals. And, the small market that still exists is not interested in second hand coats. They want something new. So we’ve had donation centers actually turn fur coats away.

If you do have a fur coat, call some local animal shelters, such as an ASPCA. They may take your coat as well as your used linens or towels. They cut the coats into small pieces and line kitten’s and puppies’ cages with it. The animals, which are often weaned from their mothers too young, are said to sleep and eat better because they think they are cuddling with their mother, when in fact they are cuddling with a dead chinchilla.

Finally, whenever you are donating or selling clothes – either your own or someone else’s – please check the pockets. In some cases we’ve found more cash in the pockets than we earned selling the clothes themselves.

China, china, everywhere

Most of our elderly clients have at least one set of china. It’s often a set that they registered for when they were married fifty or sixty years ago. For this generation, china was considered an essential part of a middle or upper-class family’s home. Sets were displayed proudly in a display cabinet in the dining room. This was so common that the cabinets are called china cabinets.

These sets are usually in excellent condition. The reason is simple. Most of this china has rarely, if ever, been used. Because they are fragile, and were expensive to purchase, our clients only used them on special occasions. Some kept waiting for an occasion special enough only to find it never arrived.

Almost daily I find myself having the same conversation. Even though our clients’ grandkids have said “no thank you,” even though they’ve read articles about how nobody wants china anymore, they still hold out hope that their set is the exception and that we will be able to sell it for lots of money. It was expensive when it was given to them, so naturally they think it must still be valuable.

The simple problem is that today’s young people don’t want china anymore. They don’t want the hassle of cleaning the set by hand and they don’t want to waste a full cabinet drawer to hold it all. And they certainly don’t want to buy a display cabinet to hold it all. Many value experiences over possessions, registering for vacations instead of kitchenware.

Aside from the lack of demand for china, another reason it is hard to sell is that it is expensive to move. Because it is delicate, each piece has to be packed with a lot of protective material. And because china is heavy, it needs to be packed in multiple boxes.

One of the first things you learn when you get into the moving business is that heavy boxes are at most risk of being dropped. If a heavy box contains books or papers and is accidentally dropped, this is not usually a problem. Paper doesn’t break. But if a heavy box containing something breakable like china is dropped, there is a good chance the contents will be destroyed. So even if you find a buyer for your set, the cost of shipping it will often exceed the re-sale value.

 Very occasionally a particular set of china will turn out to have value, so it is worth checking with an auction house or dealer. But the vast majority that we have dealt with either doesn’t sell at all or sells for very low amounts. Please do not assume you are doing your heirs a great financial favor by leaving it for them to sell.

 We generally encourage clients to donate their china. Most of the places we work with will still take decorative items because they can sell each piece for a small amount and still make a little money. I have seen cups and saucers sell for a few dollars each at thrift stores. But I fear that even the options for donating china are going to become more limited in the future. There is just too much of it available.

 And if you’re not ready to donate, our advice? Use it! Make every day that special occasion. Oatmeal takes on a whole new taste when served in a fancy bowl with floral patterns. And it can be fun to serve your guests an after-dinner drink in a cute teacup. If it chips, throw it away.

 I know this may sound reckless. You may be shaking your head as you read this, thinking of how expensive your set was or how your mother would carefully hold one of her plates and remind you about her wedding and how she selected this particular set to register for.

 The key to keep in mind is that the purchase price of your china, like so much else in your home, has no bearing on what the china is worth now. Now it is only worth what someone will pay you for it. And that someone – that potential purchaser – can buy a decent set of dishwasher-safe, unbreakable dinnerware from Amazon or IKEA for a song.

Can you sell my piano?

The words I have come to dread hearing the most are: Can you sell my piano?

 Like sets of china, collectible figurines, and heavy dark wood furniture, pianos have, sadly, gone out of style and have become difficult to sell. There are two key reasons:

1. There are more used pianos available to be sold than there are interested buyers.

2. As you know from film comedies, it is hard to move a piano!

 Up until forty or fifty years ago, most middleclass or wealthy families bought pianos for their homes. Owning a piano was a sign of success and education, and children all took lessons. I remember how excited my mother was when she moved her childhood piano from Pennsylvania to our home in Virginia. I took lessons for a few years but then realized that I was not cut out for the piano. The piano then just sat in the living room for years, unplayed. Eventually, when our mother sold her house, it had to be discarded.

 Today, few people buy pianos. Many musicians find that synthesizers and keyboards are sufficient. These are less expensive, easier to maintain, and much easier to transport than pianos. Because there has been such a drastic reduction in the number of potential piano buyers, we have a glut of pianos on the market.

 It is also difficult to donate a piano and it takes a lot of time to do so. We once helped a client try to donate her piano to her church. Someone from the church came to her apartment to play it and absolutely loved it. But when it came time to arrange to move the piano to the church, the church said they couldn’t afford to pay for the move. Our client wasn’t willing to spend the money herself, so the donation wasn’t made and the piano had to be discarded.

 Some pianos remain popular. There is a market for used Steinways, for example. But the amount of money you can make from selling a high-end piano is going to be reduced by the cost of moving it.

 We had a client whose wife had been a concert pianist. She had a stunning baby grand in their Park Avenue living room. But, it turns out, the building’s elevator had been replaced in the years since the piano was moved into their home and the new elevator couldn’t accommodate a baby grand. The only option for getting it out of the building was to have it lifted out of a window. The cost for this service was more than the buyer was willing to pay, so the piano wasn’t sold. It had to be taken apart just to get it out of the building.

 Added to the complication of trying to sell or donate a piano is the problem that pianos with ivory keys cannot, by law, be sold. U.S. and New York State both prohibit the sale of ivory.

 The sad truth is that many pianos wind up being discarded. This is always heartbreaking for our clients and we can understand why. A piano is much more than a piece of furniture – it is something with a rich history and happy memories of musical evenings. And, to add insult to injury, there is a cost to have a piano discarded. A professional junk hauler has to be hired to remove it carefully and dispose of it properly.

 Nobody wants to pay for this service, and nobody wants to learn that their piano cannot be sold or donated. It’s very sad to be the person to have to tell clients this news. I wish we had a better solution but, for now, we are left with no good options.

Decluttering: Where do I start?

I’m always so relieved by spring. It feels like a great time to take a deep breath and focus on priorities. For some, this means being at opening day for Yankee Stadium. Alas, for many of us, this means finally facing the fact that we have too much stuff.

Maybe you’ve been thinking for months, or even years, that you wish you could actually hang your clothes in your over-stuffed closet, or find room on your bookshelf for those new books you got for your birthday.

But where to start? Fourteen years in business have taught us a few techniques we’d like to share with you.

Break it down

Make a list of each of the areas and categories of things in your home that you’d like to organize. Keep it specific

Schedule time

In your calendar schedule three hours to tackle the first (easiest) item on your list. Schedule this time soon and block off the full three hours.

1. Break it down

   The reason so many decluttering projects fail is because we try to tackle everything at once. Thinking we can complete the whole project with one weekend of elbow grease, we roll up our sleeves, dive in, and…. burn out! Or we look at all our closest and get paralyzed thinking this can never get done.

   Just like building Rome, your closets will not be streamlined in one day!

   Instead, try this: Make a list of each of the areas and categories of things in your home that you’d like to organize. Keep it specific.

   Your list might read like this:

   1. Sweaters

   2. Records

   3. Kitchen pantry

   4. Books in study

   5. Junk drawer in kitchen

2. Rank the list in order: easiest to hardest

   Start with some wins! If you’re on a first-name basis with the local restaurant delivery people, pairing down the kitchen pantry might not be too hard. Start there. Get used to the process. Then, when you finally get to those books you love, you’ll have some practice and it’ll make parting with these beloved items easier.

3. Schedule a time

   Don’t think you’ll spend the whole day doing this. Alternatively, don’t plan to do this here and there when you “have a minute.” In your calendar schedule three hours to tackle the first (easiest) item on your list. Schedule this time soon and block off the full three hours.

4. Come prepared and stay focused

   At the appointed time, do whatever you can to avoid distractions. Don’t worry, Instagram will still be there in 3 hours and the DVR will still record anything you're missing. Have a few supplies on hand: large clear bags for donations, boxes, packing tape, garbage bags, blue painter’s tape, and a marker.

5. Look at everything

   There’s no secret shortcut here. You have to decide about each item. Look at items one-by-one and ask yourself some basic questions, such as: When was the last time I used this? Do I need this? Do I even like this?

   The goal here is to keep only the items you really like and use. Everything else should be boxed or bagged. Your boxes and bags can be separated into the following categories; give to family/friends, sell, donate, or discard.

   Be firm with yourself, but don’t go overboard. There is no need to get rid of everything. In some areas you will downsize a lot, others just a little.

6. Wrap up the session and organize the space

   At the end of the session, remove the bags and boxes of things you aren’t keeping. This may involve throwing things away or bringing things to a donation center. Or it may mean finding a temporary place in your home to store all of these things so you can handle them at a later date. But make sure you clean up so you can appreciate your newly decluttered area and the work you’ve done!

7. Reward yourself

   This is hard work. These items mean something to you. Parting with them is tough. So take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Pour that glass of wine, eat those chocolate truffles, or veg out with an hour of reality television (or all three!). You’ve earned it. Even if it doesn’t feel like you got all that much done, you’ve put in the time and are making progress. And that deserves to be celebrated.

8. Repeat steps 3 through 7 for everything on your list. And be sure to remember #7!